Question: Last Thursday, Aug 5th, 2010 I had a baby girl at 22 weeks and 6 days. Aubrei seemed to be a perfect healthy baby, but my body would not keep her in. I was on strict bed rest in the hospital for 12 days. I never got up, not once during those 12 days. Then on August 5th all day I had contractions, and a lot of bleeding, and when they checked me they could feel her whole little body, but she was alive! I then all of a sudden got a really bad infection and they had to induce my labor. I was so scared, yet I thought she was going to make it. Her eyes were still fused shut when she came out. There was nothing they could do for her. When they realized that, I held her for HOURS. But I feel it is my fault, my fault that my body made her come out, when she was so perfectly healthy, and all I do is cry and cry. At her memorial I was left with a teddy bear, and now I take it with me everywhere. It’s like the teddy bear represents Aubrei now, and I never want to let it go. I don’t know if how I am taking this is normal. What do you think?


Response:
What a traumatizing birth you have been through. This will take some time to do your "grief work". Crying is good, acceptable and a great tribute to your daughter. You did nothing wrong--you must believe that. Aubrei's death was out of your control. Remember everything about her that you can. She was with you growing for many months, and I am sure you have some wonderful memories. Nothing can take those away from you. Carry the teddy bear--that is ok. Eventually you may want to find a special place to keep the teddy bear, but for now it is comforting--and that is what you need. Overtime you will look for a lessening of frequency and intensity of these grief behaviors. Then, you will know you are getting better.

Grief- crying daily

Question:
I lost my son Michael Christian to SIDS on 5/17/2010. He was a healthy thriving 3 month old special, beautiful baby with an old soul. I am having a very hard time dealing with his loss. I have a 4 year old son also and am trying very hard everyday to show strength for his sake. I don't have good or bad days I have moments. His loss and dealing with the reality of it has me crying daily and I feel like I'm suffocating. My mind plays tricks on me having me think that he's not gone. But when I come to the reality that he's not here it pulls me deeper into a depression. At times I feel as though I'm experiencing all 5 stages of the grieving process at the same time. I just don't want to get stuck or so sick with the depression that I can't find my way back. I am seeking out individual therapy specifically for that reason but would welcome any recommendations. I have been to support groups and they help until I'm by myself and am missing my baby. I just thank GOD everyday for giving me the strength to get thru the day and that there are only 24hrs in a day. I have many family members and friends who also give me much support. I know that time heals all wounds but I am an impatient person and want the hurt to stop now. Again I would like to ask for any recommendations of support groups or books that I could seek further help from. Not only for myself but also for my 4 year old. He lost a little brother and I am worried about his mental health as well. Thank You


Response:

You said a lot in your question. Your thoughts are well organized and you were very good at identifying your feelings. Do not be hard on yourself--it has only been two months since your son died. Crying is good (medically proven), over time the crying will lessen. Time does not heal, but rather permits healing to take place. You had Michael growing in you for nine months and living outside of you for 3 months, that means you have a point of reference for the joy and happiness he brought you. Death cannot take that away. Continue to thank God for helping you through every day, and take one day at a time. Stay close to God for strength. Remember King David's prayer when his son died--"my son will not come back to me, but someday I will go be with him". The depression is temporary and circumstantial. It will lessen over time. Use your support group on a daily basis. For books to help you and your son, and for support groups, please go to the Tomorrow's Child website---there is a lot of information for you....Dr. Canine

Question: I recently lost my son Christian at 20 weeks pregnant On 12/12/09. It wasn’t until after I delivered him (four days and 10 hours in labor) That we found out he had passed away from ABS (Amniotic Band Syndrome). I saw and held My tiny baby boy ( Christian Angel), 800 grams 6inches long...He was so perfect in everyway, though he was not fully developed he still had 10 little fingers and 10 toes, a little baby mouth, nose, ears eyes...I feel because My son was so small nobody around me really knows how much he meant to me, Big or Small that is my son and I love him so much.
Some days I sit in bed and cry and others I pretend I am over it but I don’t think I will ever get over My child. I often can’t sleep because all I do is think about every tiny detail of what happened at the hospital..... 1 out of every 12,000 babies are born with (ABS) alive but I don’t understand why know body knows how many babies die from it or the cause???? Sometimes life doesn’t seem worth living anymore but my faith with God will bring me back every time I feel this way!

Response: Thank you Sarah for your question. Life is worth living, if you have any more thoughts that contradict that--please consult your family physician or go to the hospital--you are too important. It has only been 4 months since Christian died, don't be too hard on yourself. Your tears of love and re-visiting (in your mind) the hospital are all quite normal and healthy. You should tell Christian's story often and let everyone know how perfect he was and how beautiful he was to see. Keeping a journal about your feelings may be helpful. As time passes you may want to become involved in an ABS awareness group, maybe even start an ABS support group. Remember, people do not know what to say to you, so don't expect too much from others. Above all, stay close to God and your faith--even though you may at times be angry with God--that is ok. God understands us.

Question:
It's been many years since losing our son to SIDS and we think of him a lot. It would be nice to know that others (family members at least) still remember him. How can we keep his memory alive?

Response:
Without knowing all the circumstances of his death and the family dynamics since, I can still offer some suggestions for remembering him.

1. Celebrate his birthday...don't invite those who do not understand

2. Put together a photo book of his brief life and put it out in the living room for all to see

3. Plant a tree on your property and put a plaque in front of it

4. Plant a garden with the plaque

5. Purchase something at a school or church and ask that it be "in memory of"

6. On special days --have a special large candle that you bring out and light in honor of him

7. Over the Christmas holidays send out a letter stating how long it has been since his death and how much you miss him...maybe even some thoughts on what he would be doing now

Thank You Dr. Canine...

Question:
I have volunteered for over 5 years and am so glad that you are on board. I saw you about 23 or so years ago when my boyfriend was shot and killed. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your help. I still have your book and I have used the coping skills to this day, (when in need). So, thanks again and I am glad these families have you to help. I would not be who I am today without you.

Response:
Thank you Jennifer for your kind words. I am always encouraged by individuals who suffer through a sudden and unexpected death of someone they love, but find a way to make it back to a productive life. We never forget those who we love that have died, we honor and respect them regardless of age, and it is good to remind ourselves that they would want us to -- when the time is right -- move on with our life... J

Losing a Child and Losing Friends

Question:
My first child and son was stillborn. He died 8 months ago. I feel so much pain and think about what he would be doing every day. I'm missing all the wonderful baby moments with him and it breaks my heart. I feel like I survived the holidays, but I feel so bitter towards family and friends that did not recognize his absence. So many people wished me a Happy New Year, with big smiles on their faces. I just smiled back, but inside was crying because I did not want the New Year to start without my son. I don't want to continue missing his special developmental milestones. The thought of his birthday coming up this spring makes me so sad. I guess I just want to know how to handle the bitterness I feel towards my so-called friends that seem to be thinking all is good, when it is not. I find myself withdrawing from people and feeling anger and even hatred toward them for not understanding my pain. I feel like I've lost my son and friends too. Happy New Year- ugh!!

Response:
Unfortunately, our society does not "deal" with stillborn death. People would rather ignore it. However, because of your loving relationship with your child -- you feel the pain. Make no apologies for the pain, it comes with the love. On the other hand, it is your pain alone. Don't expect others to feel it, even though those that love you -- should. You cannot control the behavior of others. I will offer this suggestion: sometimes family and friends have said to me that the griever does not communicate with them. Don't be afraid to tell those you love and trust exactly how you feel. It does give them a chance to help; and you quickly find out who your caring friends are. Lastly, those special days you are missing with your son -- write about them. Write how it might have been. Make him a part of those special days, and above all, don't be afraid to heal.

Family Occasions after Stillbirth

Question:
Our granddaughter would be turning 3 in February. She was stillborn to our 16 yr. old daughter (9 days overdue). My fiance's cousin delivered that same morning, a baby girl, and she is doing very well, which we are very grateful. I cannot handle being around her, and neither can our daughter, which makes family get-togethers very uncomfortable. How can we get past this? We are getting married in August and I don't want to tell her she cant bring her child, but my daughter is already having a very hard time going into the same church where we held the baby's funeral. I want this to be a great day, not one full of sadness...

Response:
I am sorry about your loss. I do not know why any child should die. It is a question for God. Please remember that you and your daughter have not died. In fact, you do not want to give death any more power and control over you. Any feelings of anger, resentment, fear, etc., are very normal grief emotions, but in a way, they are times of being subjected to the power of death. Healing is being free from the grip of death. You want to heal. Try to be happy for other family members that have children that remind you of what you do not have. Encourage yourself and each other to be around those family members -- even if it is a short time at first. Try to walk into the church -- just for a few minutes some day and just spend a moment in prayer asking God to give you strength to handle this situation. And, do not be to hard on yourself. Remember, time has never healed anyone, but time permits healing.