Question:
My first child and son was stillborn. He died 8 months ago. I feel so much pain and think about what he would be doing every day. I'm missing all the wonderful baby moments with him and it breaks my heart. I feel like I survived the holidays, but I feel so bitter towards family and friends that did not recognize his absence. So many people wished me a Happy New Year, with big smiles on their faces. I just smiled back, but inside was crying because I did not want the New Year to start without my son. I don't want to continue missing his special developmental milestones. The thought of his birthday coming up this spring makes me so sad. I guess I just want to know how to handle the bitterness I feel towards my so-called friends that seem to be thinking all is good, when it is not. I find myself withdrawing from people and feeling anger and even hatred toward them for not understanding my pain. I feel like I've lost my son and friends too. Happy New Year- ugh!!
Response:
Unfortunately, our society does not "deal" with stillborn death. People would rather ignore it. However, because of your loving relationship with your child -- you feel the pain. Make no apologies for the pain, it comes with the love. On the other hand, it is your pain alone. Don't expect others to feel it, even though those that love you -- should. You cannot control the behavior of others. I will offer this suggestion: sometimes family and friends have said to me that the griever does not communicate with them. Don't be afraid to tell those you love and trust exactly how you feel. It does give them a chance to help; and you quickly find out who your caring friends are. Lastly, those special days you are missing with your son -- write about them. Write how it might have been. Make him a part of those special days, and above all, don't be afraid to heal.
