Question:
It's been many years since losing our son to SIDS and we think of him a lot. It would be nice to know that others (family members at least) still remember him. How can we keep his memory alive?
Response:
Without knowing all the circumstances of his death and the family dynamics since, I can still offer some suggestions for remembering him.
1. Celebrate his birthday...don't invite those who do not understand
2. Put together a photo book of his brief life and put it out in the living room for all to see
3. Plant a tree on your property and put a plaque in front of it
4. Plant a garden with the plaque
5. Purchase something at a school or church and ask that it be "in memory of"
6. On special days --have a special large candle that you bring out and light in honor of him
7. Over the Christmas holidays send out a letter stating how long it has been since his death and how much you miss him...maybe even some thoughts on what he would be doing now
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Thank You Dr. Canine...
Question:
I have volunteered for over 5 years and am so glad that you are on board. I saw you about 23 or so years ago when my boyfriend was shot and killed. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your help. I still have your book and I have used the coping skills to this day, (when in need). So, thanks again and I am glad these families have you to help. I would not be who I am today without you.
Response:
Thank you Jennifer for your kind words. I am always encouraged by individuals who suffer through a sudden and unexpected death of someone they love, but find a way to make it back to a productive life. We never forget those who we love that have died, we honor and respect them regardless of age, and it is good to remind ourselves that they would want us to -- when the time is right -- move on with our life... J
I have volunteered for over 5 years and am so glad that you are on board. I saw you about 23 or so years ago when my boyfriend was shot and killed. I wanted to take this opportunity to thank you for your help. I still have your book and I have used the coping skills to this day, (when in need). So, thanks again and I am glad these families have you to help. I would not be who I am today without you.
Response:
Thank you Jennifer for your kind words. I am always encouraged by individuals who suffer through a sudden and unexpected death of someone they love, but find a way to make it back to a productive life. We never forget those who we love that have died, we honor and respect them regardless of age, and it is good to remind ourselves that they would want us to -- when the time is right -- move on with our life... J
Losing a Child and Losing Friends
Question:
My first child and son was stillborn. He died 8 months ago. I feel so much pain and think about what he would be doing every day. I'm missing all the wonderful baby moments with him and it breaks my heart. I feel like I survived the holidays, but I feel so bitter towards family and friends that did not recognize his absence. So many people wished me a Happy New Year, with big smiles on their faces. I just smiled back, but inside was crying because I did not want the New Year to start without my son. I don't want to continue missing his special developmental milestones. The thought of his birthday coming up this spring makes me so sad. I guess I just want to know how to handle the bitterness I feel towards my so-called friends that seem to be thinking all is good, when it is not. I find myself withdrawing from people and feeling anger and even hatred toward them for not understanding my pain. I feel like I've lost my son and friends too. Happy New Year- ugh!!
Response:
Unfortunately, our society does not "deal" with stillborn death. People would rather ignore it. However, because of your loving relationship with your child -- you feel the pain. Make no apologies for the pain, it comes with the love. On the other hand, it is your pain alone. Don't expect others to feel it, even though those that love you -- should. You cannot control the behavior of others. I will offer this suggestion: sometimes family and friends have said to me that the griever does not communicate with them. Don't be afraid to tell those you love and trust exactly how you feel. It does give them a chance to help; and you quickly find out who your caring friends are. Lastly, those special days you are missing with your son -- write about them. Write how it might have been. Make him a part of those special days, and above all, don't be afraid to heal.
My first child and son was stillborn. He died 8 months ago. I feel so much pain and think about what he would be doing every day. I'm missing all the wonderful baby moments with him and it breaks my heart. I feel like I survived the holidays, but I feel so bitter towards family and friends that did not recognize his absence. So many people wished me a Happy New Year, with big smiles on their faces. I just smiled back, but inside was crying because I did not want the New Year to start without my son. I don't want to continue missing his special developmental milestones. The thought of his birthday coming up this spring makes me so sad. I guess I just want to know how to handle the bitterness I feel towards my so-called friends that seem to be thinking all is good, when it is not. I find myself withdrawing from people and feeling anger and even hatred toward them for not understanding my pain. I feel like I've lost my son and friends too. Happy New Year- ugh!!
Response:
Unfortunately, our society does not "deal" with stillborn death. People would rather ignore it. However, because of your loving relationship with your child -- you feel the pain. Make no apologies for the pain, it comes with the love. On the other hand, it is your pain alone. Don't expect others to feel it, even though those that love you -- should. You cannot control the behavior of others. I will offer this suggestion: sometimes family and friends have said to me that the griever does not communicate with them. Don't be afraid to tell those you love and trust exactly how you feel. It does give them a chance to help; and you quickly find out who your caring friends are. Lastly, those special days you are missing with your son -- write about them. Write how it might have been. Make him a part of those special days, and above all, don't be afraid to heal.
Family Occasions after Stillbirth
Question:
Our granddaughter would be turning 3 in February. She was stillborn to our 16 yr. old daughter (9 days overdue). My fiance's cousin delivered that same morning, a baby girl, and she is doing very well, which we are very grateful. I cannot handle being around her, and neither can our daughter, which makes family get-togethers very uncomfortable. How can we get past this? We are getting married in August and I don't want to tell her she cant bring her child, but my daughter is already having a very hard time going into the same church where we held the baby's funeral. I want this to be a great day, not one full of sadness...
Response:
I am sorry about your loss. I do not know why any child should die. It is a question for God. Please remember that you and your daughter have not died. In fact, you do not want to give death any more power and control over you. Any feelings of anger, resentment, fear, etc., are very normal grief emotions, but in a way, they are times of being subjected to the power of death. Healing is being free from the grip of death. You want to heal. Try to be happy for other family members that have children that remind you of what you do not have. Encourage yourself and each other to be around those family members -- even if it is a short time at first. Try to walk into the church -- just for a few minutes some day and just spend a moment in prayer asking God to give you strength to handle this situation. And, do not be to hard on yourself. Remember, time has never healed anyone, but time permits healing.
Our granddaughter would be turning 3 in February. She was stillborn to our 16 yr. old daughter (9 days overdue). My fiance's cousin delivered that same morning, a baby girl, and she is doing very well, which we are very grateful. I cannot handle being around her, and neither can our daughter, which makes family get-togethers very uncomfortable. How can we get past this? We are getting married in August and I don't want to tell her she cant bring her child, but my daughter is already having a very hard time going into the same church where we held the baby's funeral. I want this to be a great day, not one full of sadness...
Response:
I am sorry about your loss. I do not know why any child should die. It is a question for God. Please remember that you and your daughter have not died. In fact, you do not want to give death any more power and control over you. Any feelings of anger, resentment, fear, etc., are very normal grief emotions, but in a way, they are times of being subjected to the power of death. Healing is being free from the grip of death. You want to heal. Try to be happy for other family members that have children that remind you of what you do not have. Encourage yourself and each other to be around those family members -- even if it is a short time at first. Try to walk into the church -- just for a few minutes some day and just spend a moment in prayer asking God to give you strength to handle this situation. And, do not be to hard on yourself. Remember, time has never healed anyone, but time permits healing.
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