Stillbirth

Question:
“I had an unplanned pregnancy in the beginning of last year and I lost my baby due to stillbirth. It was too early to tell the gender. The pain went away very quickly. But I was so prepared to have my baby that I decided to try again. I was pregnant within the next two months. I found out I was having a boy. I named him Dominique. I lost him on January 11 at five months (another stillbirth). It didn’t hurt this much the first time. I don’t know if it’s because I planned him or I got further along to find out I was having a boy (did I mention I hoped and prayed for a boy). I was looking forward to being a mommy. I can’t stop thinking about my son. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat and I barely sleep. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty inside and I feel so lonely. It’s like something’s missing. I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.”
Response:
The greater the expectation the greater the disappointment." I am sorry about the death of Dominique. Your feelings are quite normal...The expectation for the birth of your second child was very great and intense, that is why your grief is intense. Both the "planning" and "getting further along" are issues that complicate your grief--in lay terms--it makes the grief worse. Something is missing from your life--two children and you are grieving them...that is what you are supposed to do. There may be some "left-over" grief from your first child, nevertheless, you have a goal for the future, and that is to grieve your children. Talk about them , engage in rituals (lighting a candle every day for awhile), say prayers for them, and think of ways to memorialize them. I remember the mother who wrote letters to her children who had died--telling them how much she loved them, wanted them , and missed them. That is a good way to get the grief "out". One more thought, make sure you are seeing a counselor or your Doctor about future pregnancies...Dr. Canine

Subsequent Baby

Question:
We lost our 3 month old baby 2 years ago and we have been blessed with another baby, she is 6 weeks old and I am having a hard time parenting after the loss of our son. My anxiety is getting the best of me. It feels like the band aid has been torn off and all of my wounds are open again. I am sure this is normal. I just feel like no one will understand how I feel, except the members of this page.
Response:
Yes, it is normal. The first 3 months will be the hardest because it brings to mind all the things you did with your son in the first three months. My suggestion would be to take some time and think about you son every day for awhile. Maybe tell him about his sister, or write down your thoughts about his sister that you would like for him to know. The real issue is that you do not want anyone to forget your son because you have a beautiful new daughter--you want them both and you forever will have them both. They will always be together as a part of your family. By the way, do not look for others to understand---they usually do not. If you have one close friend that you can trust and say anything to, you are most fortunate...Dr. Canine