Question:
“I had an unplanned pregnancy in the beginning of last year and I lost my baby due to stillbirth. It was too early to tell the gender. The pain went away very quickly. But I was so prepared to have my baby that I decided to try again. I was pregnant within the next two months. I found out I was having a boy. I named him Dominique. I lost him on January 11 at five months (another stillbirth). It didn’t hurt this much the first time. I don’t know if it’s because I planned him or I got further along to find out I was having a boy (did I mention I hoped and prayed for a boy). I was looking forward to being a mommy. I can’t stop thinking about my son. I can’t stop crying. I can’t eat and I barely sleep. I don’t know what to do. I feel empty inside and I feel so lonely. It’s like something’s missing. I just don’t know what to do. Thanks for listening.”
Response:
The greater the expectation the greater the disappointment." I am sorry about the death of Dominique. Your feelings are quite normal...The expectation for the birth of your second child was very great and intense, that is why your grief is intense. Both the "planning" and "getting further along" are issues that complicate your grief--in lay terms--it makes the grief worse. Something is missing from your life--two children and you are grieving them...that is what you are supposed to do. There may be some "left-over" grief from your first child, nevertheless, you have a goal for the future, and that is to grieve your children. Talk about them , engage in rituals (lighting a candle every day for awhile), say prayers for them, and think of ways to memorialize them. I remember the mother who wrote letters to her children who had died--telling them how much she loved them, wanted them , and missed them. That is a good way to get the grief "out". One more thought, make sure you are seeing a counselor or your Doctor about future pregnancies...Dr. Canine
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Thursday, January 5, 2012
Subsequent Baby
Question:
We lost our 3 month old baby 2 years ago and we have been blessed with another baby, she is 6 weeks old and I am having a hard time parenting after the loss of our son. My anxiety is getting the best of me. It feels like the band aid has been torn off and all of my wounds are open again. I am sure this is normal. I just feel like no one will understand how I feel, except the members of this page.
Response:
Yes, it is normal. The first 3 months will be the hardest because it brings to mind all the things you did with your son in the first three months. My suggestion would be to take some time and think about you son every day for awhile. Maybe tell him about his sister, or write down your thoughts about his sister that you would like for him to know. The real issue is that you do not want anyone to forget your son because you have a beautiful new daughter--you want them both and you forever will have them both. They will always be together as a part of your family. By the way, do not look for others to understand---they usually do not. If you have one close friend that you can trust and say anything to, you are most fortunate...Dr. Canine
We lost our 3 month old baby 2 years ago and we have been blessed with another baby, she is 6 weeks old and I am having a hard time parenting after the loss of our son. My anxiety is getting the best of me. It feels like the band aid has been torn off and all of my wounds are open again. I am sure this is normal. I just feel like no one will understand how I feel, except the members of this page.
Response:
Yes, it is normal. The first 3 months will be the hardest because it brings to mind all the things you did with your son in the first three months. My suggestion would be to take some time and think about you son every day for awhile. Maybe tell him about his sister, or write down your thoughts about his sister that you would like for him to know. The real issue is that you do not want anyone to forget your son because you have a beautiful new daughter--you want them both and you forever will have them both. They will always be together as a part of your family. By the way, do not look for others to understand---they usually do not. If you have one close friend that you can trust and say anything to, you are most fortunate...Dr. Canine
Monday, December 12, 2011
Children's Grief
Question: My daughter is 4 yrs old and last night we went to a candle light vigil for all the babies that left us to soon. My daughter held a candle for her brother that I know she misses. I do sometimes wonder if she wants to say stuff that she doesn’t say to us about her little brother. At the vigil she started crying and her daddy just wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. After she didn’t want to hold the candle anymore and she went back to the car where my mom was with my son. We asked our daughter why she cried and she said because of the song. I don’t want my kids especially my daughter to hide the way she feels or not talk to us about things that are bothering her but I just don’t know how to approach it. Everyone tells me she’s ok because she is sleeping, she doesn’t seem different, she’s not withdrawn, but after seeing her cry last night I just feel like maybe she is grieving and we don’t know it.
How do I know what to do with my kids? How do I know if they understand or if they want to talk?
Response: Thank you for your question. Yes your daughter is grieving, but it is a sensed grief and not an intellectualized or personalized grief. Children do not begin to personalize or intellectualize grief until about age seven according to the Gesell Institute for human development. For this reason, it is important for parents to model healthy grief in front of their children because the child will copy what they see. When grief and sadness comes to an adult they should not isolate themselves from their children---rather include them in the grief.
You can do meaningful exercises to encourage conversation about grief or how they feel after the loss, such as:
• drawing pictures about the person who died
• drawing pictures about how they (surviving child) feel on any given day
• letting them hold some item (toy) of the sibling that died and talk about it
• lighting a candle for the child that died
• going to the cemetery or holding an urn
• saying a prayer for the child that died
• anything that let's their grief "flow out".
There is a wonderful book by Claudia Jewett, Harvard Common Press, HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH SEPARATION AN LOSS, I believe you can purchase it in paperback...Dr. Canine
How do I know what to do with my kids? How do I know if they understand or if they want to talk?
Response: Thank you for your question. Yes your daughter is grieving, but it is a sensed grief and not an intellectualized or personalized grief. Children do not begin to personalize or intellectualize grief until about age seven according to the Gesell Institute for human development. For this reason, it is important for parents to model healthy grief in front of their children because the child will copy what they see. When grief and sadness comes to an adult they should not isolate themselves from their children---rather include them in the grief.
You can do meaningful exercises to encourage conversation about grief or how they feel after the loss, such as:
• drawing pictures about the person who died
• drawing pictures about how they (surviving child) feel on any given day
• letting them hold some item (toy) of the sibling that died and talk about it
• lighting a candle for the child that died
• going to the cemetery or holding an urn
• saying a prayer for the child that died
• anything that let's their grief "flow out".
There is a wonderful book by Claudia Jewett, Harvard Common Press, HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH SEPARATION AN LOSS, I believe you can purchase it in paperback...Dr. Canine
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Question: I lost my daughter on 12-11-10. I was 18wks pregnant and the doctor in E.R didnt know what he was doinbg and burst my water and I got a staph infection and my baby died. I thought I was getting better and I found out I was pregnant again on 4-18-11 and I had a miscarriage on 4-23-11. Now all the wounds are open again and I'm angry all over again. Do you think I just buried my grief and this made it resurface? I feel just like I did in December. I want to be in my dark room by myself.
Answer: It is way too soon for you to start second guessing yourself. This is another major loss in a short period of time. With this kind of "bereavement overload" the tendency is NOT to grieve. However, what you need to do is grieve both losses independent of each other. Let your grief flow out for the death of each child. I strongly suggest you write about your feelings for each child. There are many things you are missing because of these losses--it is time to think about them and grieve them, it is time to openly talk about them with people you can trust and who will listen. I also suggest you try to "check in" with a grief counselor who can help to keep you on track. Finally, being in a "dark room" by yourself may be ok for awhile, but life is about balance, try to get out and live your life...Dr. Canine
Answer: It is way too soon for you to start second guessing yourself. This is another major loss in a short period of time. With this kind of "bereavement overload" the tendency is NOT to grieve. However, what you need to do is grieve both losses independent of each other. Let your grief flow out for the death of each child. I strongly suggest you write about your feelings for each child. There are many things you are missing because of these losses--it is time to think about them and grieve them, it is time to openly talk about them with people you can trust and who will listen. I also suggest you try to "check in" with a grief counselor who can help to keep you on track. Finally, being in a "dark room" by yourself may be ok for awhile, but life is about balance, try to get out and live your life...Dr. Canine
Friday, February 4, 2011
Question: I came to your support group last Thursday in Flint. I lost my baby at birth in December. Just can't get it together. It was the doctor's fault my baby died. He was a resident in the E.R and he didn't know what he was doing and he broke my water. But I'm still so angry and mad at the doctor. I keep having asthma attacks. I just want to be by myself in a dark room. Is that normal? I need help. I'm so sad.
Response:
It was good you went to the support group. People do care about your loss. Sometimes support group participants reach out more to those parents whose children have died--more than any other group of people. It is not necessarily normal to want to isolate yourself. There probably are times that being alone is ok and maybe even good for you. However, you need to be with people who love you and care about you. You need to talk about your child as much as possible. All grief emotions are acceptable. As for the doctor, you need to share your thoughts with a hospital administrator. If he/she was at fault, the proper administrative people should be aware of it. Anger is normal, it is how we manage the anger that is important. It should not come out in a destructive manner. The asthma needs to be checked by your personal physician. Do not be too hard on yourself, it is still too soon to draw any conclusions about the future. It is ok to be sad. Lastly, it may be time for you to seek personal counseling.
Response:
It was good you went to the support group. People do care about your loss. Sometimes support group participants reach out more to those parents whose children have died--more than any other group of people. It is not necessarily normal to want to isolate yourself. There probably are times that being alone is ok and maybe even good for you. However, you need to be with people who love you and care about you. You need to talk about your child as much as possible. All grief emotions are acceptable. As for the doctor, you need to share your thoughts with a hospital administrator. If he/she was at fault, the proper administrative people should be aware of it. Anger is normal, it is how we manage the anger that is important. It should not come out in a destructive manner. The asthma needs to be checked by your personal physician. Do not be too hard on yourself, it is still too soon to draw any conclusions about the future. It is ok to be sad. Lastly, it may be time for you to seek personal counseling.
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
Question: Last Thursday, Aug 5th, 2010 I had a baby girl at 22 weeks and 6 days. Aubrei seemed to be a perfect healthy baby, but my body would not keep her in. I was on strict bed rest in the hospital for 12 days. I never got up, not once during those 12 days. Then on August 5th all day I had contractions, and a lot of bleeding, and when they checked me they could feel her whole little body, but she was alive! I then all of a sudden got a really bad infection and they had to induce my labor. I was so scared, yet I thought she was going to make it. Her eyes were still fused shut when she came out. There was nothing they could do for her. When they realized that, I held her for HOURS. But I feel it is my fault, my fault that my body made her come out, when she was so perfectly healthy, and all I do is cry and cry. At her memorial I was left with a teddy bear, and now I take it with me everywhere. It’s like the teddy bear represents Aubrei now, and I never want to let it go. I don’t know if how I am taking this is normal. What do you think?
Response:
What a traumatizing birth you have been through. This will take some time to do your "grief work". Crying is good, acceptable and a great tribute to your daughter. You did nothing wrong--you must believe that. Aubrei's death was out of your control. Remember everything about her that you can. She was with you growing for many months, and I am sure you have some wonderful memories. Nothing can take those away from you. Carry the teddy bear--that is ok. Eventually you may want to find a special place to keep the teddy bear, but for now it is comforting--and that is what you need. Overtime you will look for a lessening of frequency and intensity of these grief behaviors. Then, you will know you are getting better.
Response:
What a traumatizing birth you have been through. This will take some time to do your "grief work". Crying is good, acceptable and a great tribute to your daughter. You did nothing wrong--you must believe that. Aubrei's death was out of your control. Remember everything about her that you can. She was with you growing for many months, and I am sure you have some wonderful memories. Nothing can take those away from you. Carry the teddy bear--that is ok. Eventually you may want to find a special place to keep the teddy bear, but for now it is comforting--and that is what you need. Overtime you will look for a lessening of frequency and intensity of these grief behaviors. Then, you will know you are getting better.
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Grief- crying daily
Question:
I lost my son Michael Christian to SIDS on 5/17/2010. He was a healthy thriving 3 month old special, beautiful baby with an old soul. I am having a very hard time dealing with his loss. I have a 4 year old son also and am trying very hard everyday to show strength for his sake. I don't have good or bad days I have moments. His loss and dealing with the reality of it has me crying daily and I feel like I'm suffocating. My mind plays tricks on me having me think that he's not gone. But when I come to the reality that he's not here it pulls me deeper into a depression. At times I feel as though I'm experiencing all 5 stages of the grieving process at the same time. I just don't want to get stuck or so sick with the depression that I can't find my way back. I am seeking out individual therapy specifically for that reason but would welcome any recommendations. I have been to support groups and they help until I'm by myself and am missing my baby. I just thank GOD everyday for giving me the strength to get thru the day and that there are only 24hrs in a day. I have many family members and friends who also give me much support. I know that time heals all wounds but I am an impatient person and want the hurt to stop now. Again I would like to ask for any recommendations of support groups or books that I could seek further help from. Not only for myself but also for my 4 year old. He lost a little brother and I am worried about his mental health as well. Thank You
Response:
You said a lot in your question. Your thoughts are well organized and you were very good at identifying your feelings. Do not be hard on yourself--it has only been two months since your son died. Crying is good (medically proven), over time the crying will lessen. Time does not heal, but rather permits healing to take place. You had Michael growing in you for nine months and living outside of you for 3 months, that means you have a point of reference for the joy and happiness he brought you. Death cannot take that away. Continue to thank God for helping you through every day, and take one day at a time. Stay close to God for strength. Remember King David's prayer when his son died--"my son will not come back to me, but someday I will go be with him". The depression is temporary and circumstantial. It will lessen over time. Use your support group on a daily basis. For books to help you and your son, and for support groups, please go to the Tomorrow's Child website---there is a lot of information for you....Dr. Canine
I lost my son Michael Christian to SIDS on 5/17/2010. He was a healthy thriving 3 month old special, beautiful baby with an old soul. I am having a very hard time dealing with his loss. I have a 4 year old son also and am trying very hard everyday to show strength for his sake. I don't have good or bad days I have moments. His loss and dealing with the reality of it has me crying daily and I feel like I'm suffocating. My mind plays tricks on me having me think that he's not gone. But when I come to the reality that he's not here it pulls me deeper into a depression. At times I feel as though I'm experiencing all 5 stages of the grieving process at the same time. I just don't want to get stuck or so sick with the depression that I can't find my way back. I am seeking out individual therapy specifically for that reason but would welcome any recommendations. I have been to support groups and they help until I'm by myself and am missing my baby. I just thank GOD everyday for giving me the strength to get thru the day and that there are only 24hrs in a day. I have many family members and friends who also give me much support. I know that time heals all wounds but I am an impatient person and want the hurt to stop now. Again I would like to ask for any recommendations of support groups or books that I could seek further help from. Not only for myself but also for my 4 year old. He lost a little brother and I am worried about his mental health as well. Thank You
Response:
You said a lot in your question. Your thoughts are well organized and you were very good at identifying your feelings. Do not be hard on yourself--it has only been two months since your son died. Crying is good (medically proven), over time the crying will lessen. Time does not heal, but rather permits healing to take place. You had Michael growing in you for nine months and living outside of you for 3 months, that means you have a point of reference for the joy and happiness he brought you. Death cannot take that away. Continue to thank God for helping you through every day, and take one day at a time. Stay close to God for strength. Remember King David's prayer when his son died--"my son will not come back to me, but someday I will go be with him". The depression is temporary and circumstantial. It will lessen over time. Use your support group on a daily basis. For books to help you and your son, and for support groups, please go to the Tomorrow's Child website---there is a lot of information for you....Dr. Canine
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