Children's Grief

Question: My daughter is 4 yrs old and last night we went to a candle light vigil for all the babies that left us to soon. My daughter held a candle for her brother that I know she misses. I do sometimes wonder if she wants to say stuff that she doesn’t say to us about her little brother. At the vigil she started crying and her daddy just wrapped his arms around her and let her cry. After she didn’t want to hold the candle anymore and she went back to the car where my mom was with my son. We asked our daughter why she cried and she said because of the song. I don’t want my kids especially my daughter to hide the way she feels or not talk to us about things that are bothering her but I just don’t know how to approach it. Everyone tells me she’s ok because she is sleeping, she doesn’t seem different, she’s not withdrawn, but after seeing her cry last night I just feel like maybe she is grieving and we don’t know it.

How do I know what to do with my kids? How do I know if they understand or if they want to talk?

Response: Thank you for your question. Yes your daughter is grieving, but it is a sensed grief and not an intellectualized or personalized grief. Children do not begin to personalize or intellectualize grief until about age seven according to the Gesell Institute for human development. For this reason, it is important for parents to model healthy grief in front of their children because the child will copy what they see. When grief and sadness comes to an adult they should not isolate themselves from their children---rather include them in the grief.

You can do meaningful exercises to encourage conversation about grief or how they feel after the loss, such as:
• drawing pictures about the person who died
• drawing pictures about how they (surviving child) feel on any given day
• letting them hold some item (toy) of the sibling that died and talk about it
• lighting a candle for the child that died
• going to the cemetery or holding an urn
• saying a prayer for the child that died
• anything that let's their grief "flow out".

There is a wonderful book by Claudia Jewett, Harvard Common Press, HELPING CHILDREN COPE WITH SEPARATION AN LOSS, I believe you can purchase it in paperback...Dr. Canine

Question: I lost my daughter on 12-11-10. I was 18wks pregnant and the doctor in E.R didnt know what he was doinbg and burst my water and I got a staph infection and my baby died. I thought I was getting better and I found out I was pregnant again on 4-18-11 and I had a miscarriage on 4-23-11. Now all the wounds are open again and I'm angry all over again. Do you think I just buried my grief and this made it resurface? I feel just like I did in December. I want to be in my dark room by myself.
Answer: It is way too soon for you to start second guessing yourself. This is another major loss in a short period of time. With this kind of "bereavement overload" the tendency is NOT to grieve. However, what you need to do is grieve both losses independent of each other. Let your grief flow out for the death of each child. I strongly suggest you write about your feelings for each child. There are many things you are missing because of these losses--it is time to think about them and grieve them, it is time to openly talk about them with people you can trust and who will listen. I also suggest you try to "check in" with a grief counselor who can help to keep you on track. Finally, being in a "dark room" by yourself may be ok for awhile, but life is about balance, try to get out and live your life...Dr. Canine

Question: I came to your support group last Thursday in Flint. I lost my baby at birth in December. Just can't get it together. It was the doctor's fault my baby died. He was a resident in the E.R and he didn't know what he was doing and he broke my water. But I'm still so angry and mad at the doctor. I keep having asthma attacks. I just want to be by myself in a dark room. Is that normal? I need help. I'm so sad.

Response:
It was good you went to the support group. People do care about your loss. Sometimes support group participants reach out more to those parents whose children have died--more than any other group of people. It is not necessarily normal to want to isolate yourself. There probably are times that being alone is ok and maybe even good for you. However, you need to be with people who love you and care about you. You need to talk about your child as much as possible. All grief emotions are acceptable. As for the doctor, you need to share your thoughts with a hospital administrator. If he/she was at fault, the proper administrative people should be aware of it. Anger is normal, it is how we manage the anger that is important. It should not come out in a destructive manner. The asthma needs to be checked by your personal physician. Do not be too hard on yourself, it is still too soon to draw any conclusions about the future. It is ok to be sad. Lastly, it may be time for you to seek personal counseling.